After So Long....

This has been like ages for me. I haven't write in this blog about my love ones. Now that i have begin to write again i will continue on writing about people that i love. Only that this first quarter of 2009 has really troubled me so much. It troubled my life, my heart, my academic and all part of me. My family has been forced to face something that nobody had ever wanted to face. This was so hard. So hard that it even made me cried whole day long.. Many nights i prayed that those stupid shameful thing never happened. But i accepted this as one of the challenges that Allah sent us. He knows that we can face this. Therefore he test us this way. I am thankful that now, the hard time had passed away. Hopefully we can really take it away.. Far far away that we never have to turned back at it.



My academic... This semester, i just do not know why i had become someone that is so stupid i would say. Maybe this is too much for me. But i just can't take it. Because i know my level. I feel some sort of injustice happened to me. How could i accept this silly injustice when i see someone that is very close to me, shared the same 'stupid' grade as me, suddenly get a better grade than mine. And me.. I still remained as the stupidest of all. What would world call this if not INJUSTICE? I don't remember being so arrogant nor dislike the lecturer if favoritism is one of the criteria to get a better grade in the paper. And this is the trigger that has been pulled to kill me. YES.. To kill me!! I know that i would be getting very low GPA this semester. But what else can i do? I just have to be very patient in accepting everything that have been written for me.

Oh my dear God... This has been so hard for me. Although i had been comforting myself that there is no need to worry much about it but i just can't... People would think that i am stupid. and I definitely can't accept that. Because i know who i am better than anybody else. I hope that You can do something about this, Allah. I can't do anything anymore. I leave everything onto Your hands.

And Him...
I haven't forgotten him. In fact, he always here in my heart. Only that to some extend i am kind of sulking against him. He seemed to hate me. He haven't replied to my messages and even my friend request in Facebook. Arghhh..... Why does he has to act that way. I hate to say this but i think he has become so arrogant with what he has. Buttttttt................... I am not gonna stop loving him. Loving and supporting him is the only thing that i can do now. Although i am not able to have him, but i can still pray for the best thing to happen to him. I want him to live a wonderful life. Yet, i still hope that i can be with him one day. Even if this remain as only unrequited love, i would still be happy..
But......(another long but coming...)
I should not have developed this kind of feeling to somebody else i think... but I DID... arghhh... I am mad with myself too. I could not believe that i had loved someone else' husband. ALLAH..... what is to become of me.

1st --> someone so hard to get
2nd --> someone else' husband



but i didn't ask for these. I just don't understand why i keep on involved in this kind of relationship. I hurt myself whenever i think about this. I hate to admit that i really cherished the moment that i am able to be close to this second him. Although he is just a bus drivers' supervisor but i don't know why i fall so much onto him. I even ready to be another wife of him if he wants me to. I know that this sound kind of stupid but i really do. I just like him. My friends said this is just a crush and i don't know. I guess this is not. This has been almost two weeks that i last saw him, but i haven't forgotten about him. If this is just a crush, i should be able to forget him by now. But actually i don't want to. I want to keep him in my heart. And i pray hard too.. I want him to know that i love him. YES... I did something crazy too.. I text him last Friday. I hope that he'll reply me but he didn't.. Oh yes... i should have known this too. I knew that he would not entertain anybody that he doesn't know, what more he's married. Arghhh... That's the most painful sentence to say. but indeed, that's for real.

I woke every morning to see something good... and I hope by the time i wake up tomorrow, i will be able to see someone that i really love.. know that this sound silly... but i know that Allah will listen to my prayers...