Me.My Life.Him.You

1. To See The World In a Grain of Sand by William Blake.
2. Pied Beauty by Gerard Manley Hopkins
3. God Grandeur by Gerard Manley Hopkins.
4. Dulce et Decorum Est by Wilfred Owen
5. The Soldier by Rupert Brooke
6. Blackberry Eating by Galway Kinnell’s
7. Resume by Dorothy Parker
8. The Unknown Citizen by W.H. Auden
9. The Passionate Shepherd to His Love by Christopher Marlowe
10. Ode To The West Wind by Percy Bysshe Shelley
11. Birches by Robert Frost
12. Stopping By The Wood On a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost
13. Mending Wall by Robert Frost
14. Design by Robert Frost
15. I Heard a Fly buzz when - I died by Emily Dickinson
16. Success is counted sweetest by Emily Dickinson
17. Because I could not stop for Death - by Emily Dickinson
18. The Soul selects her own society - by Emily Dickinson
19. The Waking by Theodore Roethke
20. The Man He Killed by Thomas Hardy
21. Ballard of Birmingham by Dudley Randall
22. Morning Song by Sylvia Plath
23. Porphyria’s Lover by Robert Browning
24. My Last Duchess by Robert Browning
25. La Belle Dame San Merci – A Ballad by John Keats
26. Ode to a Grecian Urn by John Keats
27. Ode To Autumn by John Keats
28. Bright Star by John Keats
29. Bonny Barbara Allan by Anonymous
30. That Time of Year Thou Mayst In Me Behold by William Shakespeare
31. My Mistress’s Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun by William Shakespeare

NANNY? Maybe not so suitable la with me...
haha... Nanny doesn't wake up after all the kids woke up k...
But yeah... The works started by the time I woke up.. Gotta fold all the mattresses, comforters, tidy up the bed... All that a nanny a.k.a a maid would do lah... But hey.. I didn't grumble on this chores k... :-)

Then...
Shower times... Lucky that I only have to prepare two kids... Alia and Ashyraf coz Ainaa and Aimaan can take bath on their own... After I have groomed them... It's the time to fill up their tank... This was the easiest part... Put all the food in front of them and they'll eat quietly.. no worries... :-)

After that...
The part that I hate the most... To supervise them playing... Arghhh.... I am not yet ready to be a mother yet I supposed.... to hear them screaming and fighting over one stupid toys really pissed me off... They can't even play quietly... There are times that they seemed so close and click with each other... But it last very soon.. The moment I stepped away.. they started to pinch each other face, push the other one down.. Oh yeah, this happened to those 2-year-old Alia and 3-year-old Ashyraf...

But there are times when they can stay quietly... It was when they were watching TV together... ahaha... This time, I can go and fill up my own tank... hehe...

In the afternoon, after my Zohor prayer -I escape from giving them lunch... haha... My Aunt had taken care of it- gotta help Ainaa and Aimaan with they exercises... Maths, Science, English... I hentam semua.. hahaha... Another problem arised... The other two budak kecik will starts crying out for their own books and pencil... OMG... Lucky I have my Aunt.. that helped me 'taming them down'... muahahahhaha....

In the evening.. Once again... Gotta take those two kids to the shower... groomed them for their pyjamas... then... I go off for my Maghrib and Isya' while my Aunt feed them for dinner... It was almost 9.30 o'clock that I need to prepare their sleeping mattresses again... When they slept... I finally thought that I have two more serial drama to watch... hehe... It was an Indonesian sinetron and a Filipino telenovela..

1 a.m. = The Nanny had gone somewhere else... to the lala land... (dreaming about HIM)

This routines happened for 2 weeks... And today... Ainaa, Aimaan and Ashyraf went back to their house in Kapar, Klang... Pity my niece Alia.. She was left alone... No buddies to play and fight with anymore... When I heard her talking to Ainaa on the phone and ask her to come down to sleep with her, I felt a warm tear drops on my face... May she just doing fine and not get affected so much over this matter... Just don't want her to fall sick...

Taking them to bath outside the haus...

Why didn’t he approve my friend request in Facebook??? My heart pounds so fast when I saw his name appear on my feed.. When he approved others’ request… How I wish that I got the same opportunity too… But I know… I am nobody to have the chance… God gracious me… give me the strength to let go this frustration…

I am not gonna stop loving HIM… My sister did ask me last Friday… “Don’t you want to get married?” And my answer was… “I want to.. If the one that is gonna be my husband is HIM” I know this is crazy… Ridiculous and seems like I don’t know who am I… but I am just living my dream… Like it or not.. I am gonna live it… And never stop hoping that the day will come… Even if it’s not in this living world.. I’ll wait for him in heaven… InsyaAllah…

I don't know what else am I supposed to say... Life is a total mess right now... I can't believe I just witnessed the fallacy of my loved one last two hours... OMG... why do I have to face this... When i thought that he could be standing so tall with their win tonight... They screwed up everything... They spoiled all the chances they were right in front their very eyes... World #1 became so tame upon the unseeded, the unknown, the scratch pair that came from nowhere...

I don't wanna blame nobody upon this matter... BUT... I just wanna blame myself... Maybe I didn't pray so hard... Maybe I didn't support them with all my heart... OR.. Maybe I'm just such an unlucky girl.. Who always bring them bad luck... I don't know...

This time I didn't feel like crying... Because I also don't know what am I feeling... All i know is that... MY LIFE IS A TOTAL MESS...

9:45 am...
Dec 2nd 2009...
Stadium Tertutup Johor Bahru...

It was an all-Malaysian-affair...
I hate the fact that Koo Kien Keat and Tan Boon Heong lost to their usual sparring partner Mohd Fairuzizuan Tazari and Mohd Zakry Latif. But what to do... I guess there must be something not right... Maybe they were only taking this match as a warm-up... Hopefully, they'll win the next games... InsyaAllah...

Tomorrow...
Another story will happen...
Another heart will be broken...
Another history will be written...
What about me???

I will always be here...
Waiting for the feeling to unfold...
Reaching to something I couldn't hold...
Living a life that I wish I could control...
What about us???

Us?
Us will always be here...
In the blood that running through my veins...
In the heart that keeps on aching...
Because Us is only inside me...

Us is a dream that live inside so long...
Us is a desire that I never thought wrong...
A hope that will always stay strong...

Tomorrow,
A destiny that I wish had been written...
Will turn to me and say...
Both of you are a match that was made in Heaven...


deeyah
11:26 p.m, December 1st 2009



p/s: this is a work of someone that has gone mad after being attacked by something called B.O.R.E.D.O.M!

You

What could I do to make You see?

What should I do to make You hear?

What must I do to make You feel?

What would it take to make You know?

I refuse to see the sun,

For I always thought that You are brighter…

I refuse to feel the wind,

For I always thought that You are breezier…

I refuse to hear the song of the sea,

Because You are the melody in me, my dear!

Now somebody please tell me…

What could I do to make You see?

What should I do to make You hear?

What must I do to make You feel?

What would it take to make You know?

Deeyah

9.22p.m : 28.11.09

Today...
Saturday... November 28th 2009...
A bright sunny day...

A day that had long been waited by one of my childhood, schoolmate and gossip-mate, SITI ZARIENA BT. AZIZ...
Today is her engagement day...
Congratulation to her...
After almost 6 months of being quiet about each other's life, she broke the silence last week by telling me that she will be engaged today...

At first,
I thought of not going... Maybe because I have no company to go...
But after making a promise with her and my other friend, I decided to go...
Although we arrived right after the groom side left, but hey.. I managed to be there too what...




She seemed to be glowingly happy today...
I am happy for her too...
BUT....

There's another thing that came across my mind..
Are we ready enough to step into the next phase of our lives?
I mean...
How many of us really know when to settle down?
She is lucky that she knows, this is the time...
But what about other people? Are they ready too?

God knows the answer...
All in all...
I am happy that I am still free to do and live my life the way I want it...

To Lina,
I love u babe... Hope you have made the right decision... I pray only the best for you...

1. I MUST be able to put myself first in all situation

2. I MUST be able to control my food consumption... Bukan sebab nk kurus okay.. but it is necessary to make sure that I remain healthy...

3. I MUST be able to stop thinking about HIM - That bus driver laa... who else... Damn!!! so hard....

4. I MUST be able to stop thinking about another HIM too... He was OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER.....

5. I MUST be able to make sure that the numero uno HIM bags the USD50,000 next month... How I gonna do it? I don't know too... hahaha... lol

6. I MUST be able to get rid of all unnecessary feeling about my Silly Ladybird... He's just a friend... someone I'd love to flirt around with...

7. I MUST be able to control my emotion when I didn't get the things I want... I'm gonna turn 24 next year... gotta be a little mature la...

8. I MUST be able to stop blaming myself when things don't go my way... It ain't me that is guilty all the time...

9. I MUST be able to stop doing things for the sake of others... that sucks u know.... arghhh!!!!

10. I MUST be able to complete sewing all the beads... haha... Gonna wear the Kurung during the TESL dinner... but I haven't confirm I'll be going or not...


HOPEFULLY..... When the date turns 01.01.2010 DEEYAH will be somebody new in a good way... Amen...

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

I think I have taken a really long rest from blogging. Indeed I miss to write again… But since there were so many things that have taken place in my life during my absenteeism of this blogging world… To write it down, surely it will cost me several nights to finish writing… So, I chose not to write about them. But only one thing that I really wanna share… I have a friend that miraculously called himself a best friend of mine… but he never stood up for me. That was a pity. He hate people to talk bad things about both of us, but yet, he never told them the truth. And then, he simply chose to walk away from me. He acted as if I am the guiltiest human on earth for doing him injustice. And yes… There is another thing that really turned me off… He believed in what other said about me. He believed it when people told him that I love him, that I like him. OH MY GOD!!! Is he blind??? Can’t he see who I really interested in? And he should’ve known that the one I love… The HIMs that I always talk about in this blog aren’t him at all… Why the hell in the world would I want to love him? Did he forget that we had made a pact that we will always remain as best friends no matter what happened? To one extend, I think it is better that we stop being friend to each other, for he is so afraid to be seen sitting next to me, talking to me freely and also to be known as my friend. Then, what’s the use of calling me best friend in the first place? Now, I could say that I can learn to treat him as friend again… But, I should let you know that, me myself, wouldn’t know how to act or I should say, to pretend like there was nothing happened and treat him the way I used to treat him before… A wound will always leave a scar though by that time we can’t feel the pain anymore…..